SMAK 2014

Last Friday, I went to a food festival trade-show in nearby Lillestrom.

I boarded the train and was off.

A ticket that makes sense only to NSB employees

Taking the train in Norway is like an adventure within an adventure, especially if you take the local (which I did) as opposed to the express (the express stops at Lillestrom and then the Airport).  

Picturesque Lillestrom 

Said adventure results from the number of stops required to reach the destination.  While the Express goes straight to Lillestrom, the local makes somewhere between 9 and 2034983298575 stops before arriving in the neighboring "kommune", a couple dozen of miles/kilometers away.

Some of the stops were quaint suburbs and some had motorcycle clubs associated with violence and death.  Fun times.

Now, the festival.

As a condition of my admission to the festival for free (sans the $45 entrance fee!), I have to blog about it.  

I'm not a food blogger so I'll just talk about all the funny things that happened accompanied by pictures!

"Find your booth"!  (Sadly, this was only meant literally and not figuratively)

 After leaving the train station, I was presented with two options.  Take a left and end up in "Downtown" (I did this after the trade-show… the less said, the better) or take a right and go to the "trade-show" area.  I imagined SMAK 2014 was probably to the right and, after seeing the area's goofiest looking Steak House and THON hotel, I was right!

The above picture was what greeted me outside the facility where the Trade Shows were held.  I'd described the outside facade as "reappropriated warehouse chic".

Inside, I got my "credentials" and started walking around.  My broken Norwegian didn't really play and I wasn't getting any headway at the first, two booths I stopped (I started in the trade-show area for kitchen appliances to test out my method of interaction to determine what would be most effective… i.e. get me the most free things).

After a few, more booths, I realized that if I portrayed myself as an American blogger writing about scandinavian culture who knew nothing about the nordics, I was believed, not asked any follow-up questions (like "Where can I read what you write?", "How can the failing newspaper industry afford to send someone galavanting through Europe?", "Why are you using an iPad as a camera?"), and offered more items than the rest of the public.

I have this guy to thank.

Anyway, I decided to start with dessert.

Here are the highlights:

This was like Strawberry whipped cream with strawberry sauce!

These are the guys that committed the strawberry-on-strawberry food porn

Stabburet was awesome.  In addition to that Strawberry^2 dessert, I also tried some Orange sherbet and their new vanilla… Meh.

But that Strawberry was the truth!

I didn't try these because they looked like they tasted like plastic, but they were pretty!

Soooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooood

 The next stop was Kulinar Is (which I'd been calling Kolboton Is because, as you can see, that's where it's made).

They got my attention now.

I literally hijacked their booth by eating about a dozen, different samplings of their ice cream (all was magical and delicious, but, as previously stated, I have a special affinity for Strawberry).

Confession time.  Food-wise, America does a lot of things great, in fact, better than any place I have been.  However, ice cream isn't one of them.  I discovered that sad truth when I lived in Belgium.

So is true in Norway.  Kulinar Is, like countless places in France and Belgium, is better than Baskin-Robbins, DQ, Friendly's, Haagen Dais, Ben & Jerry's, Good Humor, or the countless mom and pop shops I've been, too (yes, even you, Sugarland).

But don't get it twisted.  I'd still rather have the Apple Pie from Cold Stone Cremery any day of the week.

Moving on, I started eating animals like a vegetarian breaking bad.

Here are some of the highlights of that tour de force:

As I've said countless times in other posts, the standards for meat production and animal living conditions are significantly higher in Norway as not only compared to the US, but the rest of the world.

Does that make the meat taste better?  Some times.  The best tools in the hands of someone not prepared to use them the best aren't going to make great work.  Seasoning is still a new concept in my new home and so, the results can be hit or miss.

No place evidenced this better than the awful, panini booth that I stopped at first.  I don't want to put them on blast, but I'd advise against any non-Norwegian ethnic food here unless tripadvisor.com or yelp said otherwise.

That poor taste was quickly rectified with Røroskjøtt AS.

Their meat was tender, tasty, and, surprisingly, large in size (one always assumes that the food here is smaller).  Quite the pleasure to enjoy.

The next booth I stopped at was surprisingly empty.  They were a whole seller that provided whole chicken breasts and nuggets to restaurants and airlines in the area.  As part of a new campaign, they were offering chicken sausage.

And boy, was it delicious!

The guy running the booth nervously watched me munching on the sausage which made me feel kind of weird, but didn't stop me from eating seconds, thirds, fourths, and fifths.  Finally, he asked if I enjoyed it and I was like "uh, yeah."

Then, he said "I have a confession to make about it"

I was quietly preparing myself for the following revelations:

• It was made from people
• It was actually cows that failed out of Bovine University
• It was vegetarian

"It is made from halal meat"

"Oh." I replied.  Then asked for sixths.  As-salamu alaykum

Before I finished, I decided to go to the beer, wine, and liquor section.  I was denied entry because my credentials weren't VIP.  My attempts at charming my way in fell flat as the security guard didn't understand english (or was very good at pretending she didn't understand english).

Fortunately, there were a few places that served intoxicants that were outside the designated area.  Why?  Because Norwegians like talking alcohol (like Jay-Z likes talking money).

This was something blue and tasty, but mainly cool looking!  The actual booth was an advert for dry ice cooling elements that didn't leak deadly gasses into your drink.  

Then came the highlight, my stop at Nogne Ø.  There I not only got two try litters of their awesome beer (Brown Ale and Global Pale Ale), but they also had some dried, reindeer with cranberry syrup that went excellent with the Pale Ale.

Highlight of the trip.

Confession Time #2:  For the past year, Nogne ø has been my third, favorite brewery in the world (Behind - Anchor Steam and Heavy Seas)

ALT FOR NORGE

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Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

So this is winter...

Eighteen days.  Eighteen, straight days.

It's been eighteen, straight days of snow here in Oslo.

That's 1 followed by an 8 (I just want to make sure you understand, sorry for the overkill).

I no longer live in a city in Norway.  I live on a mound of snow where walking down the street has become a human version of Mouse Trap.  Yes, if a building has a red sign out in front that says "takrasfare" (Roof landslides), then it's your own fault if you get hit/hurt from said "roof landslides'.  No litigation, no recourse.  They did put the sign out.

So, now, the first, obvious question.

"Why are you surprised that it's snowing so much?"

I'm surprised because that's a lot of snow.  I didn't even think it snowed this much in Greenland (which, contrary to my belief isn't full of a bunch of broke, white people listening to John Mellencamp records, but with like Inuits… who knew?) or Antarctica, let alone a major city hundreds of miles from the arctic circle (I bring up "major city" because the concentration of all the things that make a city a city tend to make cities warmer and, in case you're scoring at home, Oslo is 600 km/327 miles south of the arctic circle.  The same latitude as Anchorage, Alaska).

The second, less-obvious question.

"So, uh, what's that like?"

It's what I'd imagine living in a snow globe (sans the shaking) or being stuck in "Frozen" must be like.  The snow is constantly falling but, judging by the picnic table in our back garden, doesn't seem to be accumulating as much as one would imagine.  On the sidewalks, which are constantly shovelled (the plow business in Oslo is like the sun tan lotion business in Miami), there is about 8 inches (20 centimetres) and the roads tend to just be a finely, compact layer of snow with worn to the surface tire marks.  In some spots, the drifts are over 6 feet deep (1.83 meters), but you're not going to be walking and just disappear from view (take relief, mothers).  Though, the ice (which, surprisingly isn't that bad) claims victims on the regular.

The thing that makes the snow the worst is the weekend.

You have to really, REALLY want to go outside because it's such an elaborate process.  "Do I have warm enough clothes on?", "Do I have the right shoes on that won't leave my feet wet and cold?", "Will I flip out if these pants are damaged by salt, barnevogn wheels, old man shoe spikes?"…

Important questions of our time.

But, when you're sitting inside and the fireplace is roaring and you found that perfect Spotify playlist from the Browse feature, it's pretty beautiful.

Well, until you have to go outside again.

Then it just sucks.

ALT FOR NORGE

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Follow me on Twitter: @BoomerOSLO

Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

Race, and other awkward moments, in Norway

Norway has been homogeneous for most of its history, save for the last fifty years when immigration has steadily increased.

For the most part, things run smoothly here and there is very little negative interactions.  However, as is the case virtually all over the planet, certain *ahem* stereotypes still exist.  Which leads to awkward moments...

For example, the other day I was taking the trykk and, as so often happens, it was packed and I was the only non-ethnic Norwegian in the section.  The overhead automated announcement, which usually just mumbles the next destination, does so and also issues a cryptic message to "be weary of pickpockets".

I know some of you readers will think I was imagining this, but about a dozen pairs of eyes immediately turned in my direction with suspicion.

I usually try to smile or pretend to be oblivious, but I'm not.

Here, however, is an interesting aside and difference from most of the world.  While the same situation would/does happen in every other corner of the globe, here in Norway the situation completely changes when one simple fact is introduced.

I start speaking English.

I can't tell you how many times I've been in stores, restaurants, and other settings in addition to public transport and by merely speaking my native tongue, I go from being just another dark skinned foreigner to an American.  For the most part, those that ignored me reach out and attempt to connect with me.  Frowns become smiles.  Looks of contempt become curious questions.  It is really an astounding transformation.

Though, don't get it twisted, I'm still an outsider.

Norwegians are very proud... Of their culture, country, and, secretly, themselves.  They want to know how I find their country because they know everything about mine and, naturally, find their homeland superior.  It's reassuring to have an outside person collaborate those thoughts.  Aldous Huxley once wrote "Philosophy is the finding of reason and proof what one naturally believes off instinct.

OTHER WEEKLY HIGHLIGHTS:

- Norway can be cost-prohibitive... It cost me 100 USD to obtain the following items: 6 trips on the public transportation, a frozen pizza, 3 liters (101 ounces... or 8.5 American beer cans) of beer, and a haircut.  My haircut is fresh, btw

- Russ season, like escobar season, has returned.  The kids are out in their red, blue, black, and green overalls.  The ID checks for beer have increased.

- I just found out that Iggy Azalea is white... that has nothing to do with anything, just thought that I should mention

ALT FOR NORGE

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Follow me on Twitter: @BoomerOSLO

Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

Return of the Bieber and a Champion

Norway is a confusing place.

Statue from Vingeland Park

For as many similarities as there are to the states, there are that many differences.

But, when it comes to teen heartthrobs, there is no culture gap.  Which is a shame because Norway has produced such great pop music... ABBA, Miike Snow,  Ace of Base, First Aid Kit (wait... those are all Swedish?!?!  Oh.  Well, there's always A-HA).

Above is the scene from last year when Bieber blessed Oslo with his bangs.  As I informed you all, dear readers, it was a catastrophe.  The mayor hid in a retail store to avoid being trampled by hordes of Norwegian tweens chasing their idol.  Traffic was disrupted for hours.  Police were outnumbered and overrun (I swear, I think there was an hour or two of martial law declared).  It was pure chaos.

So how could the Biebs possibly top that?

He threw three, back-to-back-to-back concerts that created such a demand that they not only sold out in minutes, but causes school districts to re-arrange their testing dates.  Caught off-guard and slightly embarrassed, Oslo's finest vowed to take their revenge (ok... they didn't come off as menacing, but it was the general sentiment).

How did it go?

Well, it was interesting...

Things started off in favor of the Bieberization when his bodyguard instagrammed a picture of himself getting a haircut which lead to a lot of "likes", "favorites", and "retweets".  Additionally, the impromptu photo session lead to said barbershop being swamped with the pre-pubescent.   No word on whether the establishment has been able to air out the smell of Chanel Jr. and Lil' Dior Miss.  (On a sidenote, please check out the Team Swaggy bodyguard's twitter... https://twitter.com/KennyHamilton talk about taking yourself too seriously).

Anyway, things only got more hectic from there.  A day before the shows were to start, a poor, background dancer (a deacon in the Church of Bieber, but a celebrity to Bielibers), was accosted while going for a drink at a local convenience store.  At this point, with the concert about to kick-off, the men and women in light bluish-grey decided to step up their game.

Over 66,000 descended upon the 20,000ish capacity stadium.  The cops were ready, the ticket takers were sorta ready, Team Swaggy was ready.  And so it went...

Did the police crack down or did they catch Beauty and a beat?  I'd call it a draw.

While there were no elected officials whose safety and health were threatened by hormonal adolescents drawn to their obsession, there were numerous injuries and mild catastrophe reported.  Though, the official spokesman for the Kommune Koppers issued a statement that sounded more like they had withstood an invading army.

Which, is fair, seeing how, in the end, the chaos left one, poor Bieberian in a coma.

28-0, 6 KOs

So yeah... Bieber in Norway is no joke.

In other news, I would like to give a special kudos to Norwegian boxer, Cecilia Brækhus.  She beat Mia St. John, the former Super Welterweight champion, over the weekend by TKO.  With the victory, Brækhus retained her WBA, WBO, WPBF, and WBC welterweight titles.  At 28-0, she is one of the best, pound-for-pound fighters in the world.  A fact made even more remarkable due to the fact that Norway is one of a handful of countries with a ban on Professional Boxing.

She is also an accomplished kickboxer and has been dabbling in muay thai and may take her talents to the UFC.  Would definitely be a step up in competition (which, she hasn't gotten much of in her rampage through the boxing world) and probably an improvement in pay (the fights preceding hers were a bunch of slow, has beens/never was/never will be's slapping at each other for four rounds).  It will be interesting to see how that goes as professional mixed martial arts is also illegal here (though, there's an organization with a snazzy Facebook page working on fixing that).

Here is usually where I would write "Alt for Norge", but, in light of the violence and attempted harm going on back in America (it feels weird to watch from abroad... it's almost like its happening on another planet), I decided to switch up the message...

"We must all learn to live together as brothers or die together as fools" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Alt for fred... Peace for all

The return of plus degrees

In America, there are countless signs that Spring is approaching.  Baseball season starts, college kids violating State of Florida ordinances while at Spring Break, warmer temperatures, etc.

Alas, only one of those are present here in Norway (well, two... but one is well-known).

That's right, it's getting warmer.

For those of you that are too cool for metric (Hey, America... what up?), the idea of "plus degrees" (you know, above zero) may seem like its radically cold here.  However, all it means is that the weather is consistently above 32 Fahrenheit (yeah, Norway isn't a windbreaker-in-March place).

Which means the snow is melting giving us a view of all that dead grass and a smell of all the rotting leaves (leaf removal is not a priority).

BUT, as last year has taught me, after that is washed away by the rain (April showers bring May showers), things start perking up.

(Here's how you know you live in a cold place, when you Google for spring pictures, the overwhelming majority have snow in them)

Just seeing this picture, and waking up to the third straight day above 0 (2, if you're scoring at home) makes me ready to go grilling in the park.  Which is a national pastime here.  As soon as the first patches of brown-green turf emerge from the receding ice and decomposed leaves, Norwegians will throw a blanket on it and fire up the grill.  Don't let it get in the teens...

That's when the party starts... while it doesn't quite get as turned up as it does in the States

The party can jump off...

Well, maybe it does get a little crazier here.

Alt for Norge

Like me on Facebook: facebook.com/OSLOST

Follow me on Twitter: @BoomerOSLO

Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

Where did everyone go?

Life is full of small ironies.

Case and point, Norway is a Christian nation, but religion is not something that really is important to many of Norwegians.  Which is in contrast to America, which has no state-religion, but cares about christianity a lot.

However, each country treats the seminal holiday of Christianity quite differently.

From yesterday early evening until Monday, everything is shut down.  Not just government buildings, but everything (note the list only has like a dozen things open... keep in mind this is a city of nearly 800000 people).  Here is what Youngstorget, a random, downtown street normally looks like:

And here's what it looks like now:

Conversely, in America, I remember working many Good Fridays and Easter Mondays.

I guess that's the difference between a "state religion" and "religion of the people of the state".

Anyway, while here in the deserted city, we're celebrating with food (slow-braised lamb ribs! and homemade bread), drink (you think your boy didn't note the hours of operation?), and long walks through historic streets.

That'll do quite nicely.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Alt for Norge

Like me on Facebook: facebook.com/OSLOST

Follow me on Twitter: @BoomerOSLO

Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

Seriously, Where are you Spring?

Thank you, bushes for ignoring the "spring is cancelled this year" memo

As I haven't seen the sun in about a week (give or take, its hard to keep track of the days here as the sky is like a perpetual gray and its cold.  So, yes, Oslo does resemble "The Road" slightly), OSLOst in space may seem a little gloomy this week.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up with the 20+ degree weather of March, but, seriously, its almost May (On a side note:  Labor Day here (May Day) is supposed to be cray... we shall see), stop playin', Oslo.  Make with the Spring.

As always, it could be worse.

Last year, it snowed the first week of May.

While that isn't likely (though, This is Norway!, anything poor weather related is possible), the situation isn't completely ruined.  First, there are a serious of pretty, yellow bushes that are springing up virtually all over the city.  Which, is awesome... It at least looks spring-like.  Additionally, there are these funky, little birds that keep popping up everywhere.  They seem like they're ready to get down with the chirping and looking all tough.  While they're no Blue Jay or Oriole, they're definitely way better looking than crows (we don't need a picture of a crow... just think of an ugly bird).  Yes, I just wasted 80 minutes of my life trying to figure out the bird's name.  It's a European Magpie.  Not necessarily the most glamorous of names (but, it does explain why Newcastle is called the magpies... I thought that was just British slang for cake eater.  Yes, I spent another 20 minutes looking up "Mighty Ducks" related stories.  Don't judge).

I don't eat cake!  The Knucklepuck was overrated and the most improbable thing outside of Kennan Thompson passing as an athlete... jus' sayin'

Anyway, the European Magpie, in addition to being a rather common bird, is one of the most intelligent animals.  It's intellect rivals chimpanzees and Boston sports team fans... So, it's reappearance here totally suggests that Spring must be coming soon.  This fowl ain't no fool... it wouldn't stray this far north unless it had figured out that Spring was coming and it was time to pick out the best nesting/pimp pad spots.

Our little hope seizes upon little things...

Another positive is that the sun is staying up later... Well, I assume its staying up later.  The sky is staying light gray longer in the day (8:30!) than it had previous to daylight savings (oh, did you know that Europe and North America have different daylight savings dates?  Me neither!  It seems that there was a fortnight in March where five hours separated the East Coast and Oslo.  It is one of the most inexplicable, odd things that I've come across... which is really saying something.)

Though, the uplifting seems to keep coming.  Over forty thousand people gathered in the Youngstorget Square to sing the Norwegian version of "We are the World" (The song is called "Children of the Rainbow", click on the title for the lyrics.  Then copy and paste in translate.google.com!) as an offering that the nation is more than just the hateful acts and ideas of July 22, 2011.

Despite all of my jokes and irreverence and sheep videos, this truly encapsulates the identity of Norway.  So, I will leave that as my last note for this post.

Alt for Norge