Surviving Oslo Musicfest 2013

I'm no longer young and cool (or, rather, I no longer have the illusion of being young and cool... if ever I had been the latter is debatable).

I'd been aware of this fact for some time, but a three-hour whirlwind through the crowds and music of the 2013 Oslo Musicfest (Oslomusikkfest) confirmed this truth.

I thought of writing a running diary for the proceedings, but that seemed silly considering the fact that my experience was only 180 minutes of a possible 12 hours and a decent portion of what little time I did commit was spent walking between venues.

So, in lieu of a blow-by-blow, here are a sampling of the highlights (Please keep in mind that I only visited 7 of the 20 venues and only saw 8 bands):

Best Setting I visited.  The Kristparken venue was epic.  The park itself is little more than a huge courtyard between a kindergarten, Church of Sweden's Norwegian headquarters, and the Norwegian Dental headquarters.  There are numerous trees and wide alleyways leading in, so there was a cool breeze and dabs of sunny spots.  It was packed and it was a festive crowd (i.e. there was a lot of marijuana being smoked).  It most embodied the idea of a music festival (at least, as I have known them).  Unfortunately, they had a less than ideal vendor situation (the lines spanned the width of the courtyard) and the sound was distorted.  Which did no favors for the sounds of Man the Machetes and Blood Command.

Most Enjoyable Venue I visited.  Strangely, the Vulkan Scene provided the best combination of space and sound.  There were more tables and chairs brought in for sitting, as well as beer being sold from multiple spots to avoid long lines (50 kroner/$8.33 for 33 cl beers, that's an ounce less of a standard, American beer can).  The stage was set-up at the bottom of the stairs, providing good acoustics.  The wide walkways could've accomodated 500 people (it was about 1/7th that number in attendance). 

Worst Venue I visited.  While it had one of the better programs, Cafe Sør was unbearable.  There was approximately 290452834982734 people squeezed into an indoor and outdoor area meant for about 75.  However, the sound was exquisite (which makes sense as it was one of the few places that actually hosted music on a semi-regular basis).  A shame because I would've loved to have stayed through EMILY's whole set, but I just couldn't...  People-induced claustrophobia is a real thing, I think...

Most bizarre question I was asked.  Can me and my wife have your mulatt babies?  (I'm paraphrasing and this ended my first stint at Kristparken)

The one scene that is impossible to describe but I will try anyway.  There are few places that combine the unintentional comedy of people trying to look tough in bright colored clothing and oblivious, drunk white girl dancing (Oh my God!  Is that racists!?!?!?  I didn't mean for it to be, like, racists!!) better than Turkish Delight.  Though, this all pales in comparison to the awkward, reggaeton stylings of Son of Light!

Best Band.  I guess the perfect combination of space, sound, and charm of Vulkan was aided by the fact that the perfect band was playing, DUDES.  Now, please don't take this to mean that I think the band, itself, is perfect (or even very good), but, as so often happens in life, the combination of their energy, the setting, and the crowd's reaction (somewhere between riotous and perplexed excitement) just made the set unimpeachable.  What were they saying?  I don't know.  But they meant it!  Also, the drummer looks like Micheal Cera and their base guitarist looked and dressed just like the Don Dawson character in Dazed and Confused.

Why Did I Lead into this post with melancholic musings on youth lost?  Well, the following four reasons... 1) Because I didn't understand any of the clothing the trendy concert goers were wearing (I saw an assortment of "NOFX" and other mid-90s screamo bands.  I couldn't tell if people had these on to be ironic or to chalk it up to their Norwegianness... I feel like, with most things, the answer lies somewhere in-between);  2) I didn't understand the appeal of most of the bands (granted, when you're playing a free event, you tend to not have Kanye West or Counting Crows show up); 3) I just referenced Counting Crows like they released a relevant album in the past decade; and 4) I was pretty done after three hours.  There was still more to see, but I wasn't up for it.   

That's pretty much all I have.  Youngstorget was a complete and utter debacle of people (there was at least 300-500 people milling in-between a logjam of two stages with music that ran over each other and a dozen vendor stands selling everything from Eastern scarves to cowboy hats) and Revolver was nondescript (there's only so many ways to describe loud rock).

ALT FOR NORGE

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Norwegians Goons, Gangsters, and Other things that go bump in the night

In my last post, I, briefly, touched on the idea of crime here in Oslo.  In talking about it, I didn't go into detail about the (mis)perception of safety issues here in the Norwegian capital.

Look at the chart above.  

Oslo is approximately at 1.77 murders per one hundred thousand people, leaving it in the middle of the pack.  This might seem troubling (and no doubt the sensationalist, Norwegian media presents it as such), but, in actuality, it's not that bad.  

First, let's compare that number to American cities (I know, I know... bare with me).  Looking at population alone, Oslo is most comparable to Tucson (9.9 homicides per one hundred thousand).  A look at only demographics makes Colorado Springs (6.1) the match.  While a comparison of both gives us Seattle (3.2) still nearly double the homicide rate in Oslo.

Secondly, when compared to the seventeen, other European cities on this chart, it's important to note that of the cities with lower murder rates, seven of them have less than 120,000 people.  Which makes them more like suburbs than major cities, even if they hold such a place in their respective countries.  Furthermore, eight of the other cities remaining have almost double the population of Oslo, which means that for their murder rates to be similar, they have almost twice the number of total homicides.  In a city of roughly 500,000 (like Oslo), 1.77 means roughly 9 murders a year.  In a city of one million, that would equal 18. 

That's right, Oslo got boats... no word on if the Norwegian Jimmy McNulty was ever assigned to it

Murder isn't the only crime happening and while crime, as a whole, has been on the rise, it is important to denote which crime.  According to the link, environmental crime, drugs, and violence are the categories which saw an increase over the past few years.  Not to trivialize the damage of pollution, because environmental crime can mean a lot of things.  To me, Oslo has a distinct lack of trash cans in public and those that are sat out are much too small unless trash is picked up more frequently.  

Anyway, my point wasn't to offer a symposium on crime in Oslo, but to address the ways in which it has affected me.  

At least once every other time I find myself out at a bar and my Americanness becomes common knowledge, some Norwegian will approach me and articulate how "real" he keeps it.  Which, sounds hilarious (and, I assure you, the first few minutes are 99.9% of the time) but is reminiscent to my youth growing up in the suburbs.  Where me and my friends would run around with red bandanas and talk about being thugs.  The difference being that these guys who approach me have ink (shout out to homemade tattoos!  But, no matter how many daggers, "Haugestua" doesn't sound hard) and are at an age when they should realize that claiming such a status has repercussions (it's like people watch the first 3/4s of "Scarface" and then fast forward through the end).  

However, its not like you can't go to American town X or Belgian town Y and not find the same thing.  

As such that there are countless citizens of Oslo perpetuating this "thug life" (which, is only present in very select few.  I don't want you to think that waves of Vanilla Ices are surrounding me when I go out... Also, as it should be noted and will be explained in a future post, all of these guys are both ethnic Norwegian and from East Oslo), there are also countless people believing the hype.  There have been countless people who recoiled in horror when I informed them that I hung out or walked through a certain neighborhood at night.  It is so easy for people to take isolated incidents (it's so American Pie to start off about how one time your friend had something happen to them...) and make them the norm.  That's not to say there aren't dangerous people and situations that can occur in this city (trust, I always keep my head on a swivel), but it tends to not happen to people not associated with the life.

With the exception of the startling number of female assaults that happen here.  That's insane and deplorable and really needs to stop (Sorry, I can't find an English version that doesn't say "Don't let the brown people in!!  They are rapists!!" but, in general, the number is, statistically, almost double the expected number for a city of this population).

OTHER WEEKLY HIGHLIGHTS:

- I am straight in love with the fact that it's been 10 Celsius (50 Fahrenheit) for the past ten days straight... As Mr. Bell will eloquently remind you, no one cares about 40 degree days

- I also am a huge fan of all the state holidays here in Norway.  I told you about Adult Spring Break, but now there's Labor Day (May 1) and next week Ascension Day (May 9).  Civic Pride (no Honda!)

ALT FOR NORGE

Like me on Facebook: facebook.com/OSLOST

Follow me on Twitter: @BoomerOSLO

Buy my non-Norway based book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/This-New-Normal-ebook/dp/B008M0GPW2

Quirky Bands and Fresh Air

The above is a promotion for a homegrown band here in Oslo.  Yes, their name really is "Turbonegro", and yes, when I first became aware of them I was slightly offended and confused (more confused, namely because that awareness came in the way of a block long ad, in all black, that just read "TURBONEGRO!" which lead to a frantic google search when I got home).  However, after doing more research (their music isn't bad for punk-death metal... which isn't nearly as backhanded as I meant it to be.  "All my Friends are Dead" is probably my favorite track).  They seem to be seemingly self-aware and not very racist (though, I mean, I didn't actually call any of them and most PR material is shaped to be accessible... I like giving the benefit of the doubt), and I respect them for sticking to their guns and not changing their name even though it would've (probably) led to more distribution in... well, everywhere that isn't the latin world (Luis Suarez is reading this and nodding glumly... sorry, that's my English Premier League joke for this entry).

Anyway, Turbonegro is the perfect embodiment of the, seemingly prevalent here, unintentionally funny comedy (Fine, I will give you an example,  "Founding member Thomas Seltzer once said, "A turbonegro is a large, well-equipped, armed black male in a fast car, out for vengeance. We are his prophets."")

The above is a common occurrence here in Oslo throughout the winter... Yes, people will leave their UNATTENDED strollers (barnevogn, for my my Norsk speaking friends) outside of houses/restaurants/IKEAs/Hos Bakeri/etc.  If you think that's crazy, its not uncommon for these UNATTENDED monstrosities on wheels (seriously, they're much larger than their American counterparts)  to be left WITH THE BABY STILL INSIDE!!  Now, to get an idea of just how cold winters in Oslo can get, a mother here told me that she doesn't leave her baby out once the temperature hits -5 Celsius [23 Farenheit], because that's too cold!  


Why do they do this?  


Well, this city is very trusting and crime isn't really that big of a deal (mainly because of the generous social services and microscopic unemployment rate... I was walking down the street today and two shop employees were standing befuddled in the street and were discussing a man who had just ran out of their shop with hundreds of dollars in unpaid merchandise.  Bystanders were pointing in which direction the guy went, but, when they found out the guy was "running", the employees decided it wasn't worth pursuit.  Yes, I'm serious) and Norwegians believe the fresh air is good for the child's lungs/breathing (the air quality is a touch better than most of the US).


But still... 


oh, today was the warmest day since I've been here, a balmy +3 degrees celsius (that's 42 Farenheit if you're scoring at home).  Norwegians decided to celebrate by taking up outdoor seating at all the cafes around town... Spring is on the way!


Rap lyric I'd incorporate into a song if I were a rapper:
Tryin' me a bad idea, indeed/Like callin' a Norwegian a Swede