Ylvis, Boxing, Omskjæring, Failure... Just another week in Norway

So... the shutdown is over.  Guess it's time to write another blog post...

Let's catch up on some of the headlines that have been in the news here since my last post.

Just the tip?

You won't believe how many pictures I saw that I can't unsee trying to find this... you're welcome

As I mentioned in my last post, Norway is under new management.  With a new leading party comes new policies and laws.  One of those being lobbied now is a ban on circumcision (to be fair, this has been in the mill for some time, but, with the new coalition consisting of ombudsman that champion the idea... the possibility is a lot more likely).

Male circumcision.  (As female circumcision is banned in most of the world)

For those of you who don't know, Americans can get wound up about this type of thing (granted, we get wound up about a lot of things).  I would strongly prefer for my son to be circumcised (so much so that I've been bringing this up at dinner parties since I found this out... I'm so popular) as, it seems, do a lot of Americans.  In fact, when an American city tried to defer the procedure until the young man being snipped could have an input in the matter, a city council quickly stepped in to prevent such a measure from ever passing.

Conversely, the movement for banning the circumcision for boys under their teenage years seems to be the majority sentiment.  Looks like all future children of mine will have a date with mohel.

Norway will not be going to Brazil... to play soccer

Despite having a pretty advantageous group (Switzerland, Iceland, Albania, Cyprus... Norway is actually second in population among the countries involved.  Which is pretty staggering odds considering that Norway ranks #25 in European Country population), the Norwegians finished a distant fourth in their UEFA World Cup qualifying group.  On the plus side, fellow Scandinavian country, Iceland, will get a chance to make it to their first World Cup.  The Norwegians will have to wait until 2018 to break a drought which will have reached 24 years.  Adding to the drama is that the long-time, beloved coach was forced out contrary to his, and a large percentage of the board's, wishes.

A Way to Make a Bus Trip in Oslo Extremely Awkward

If you're on a packed bus using your ipad as a large ipod and your headphones come unplugged and you hit play when this song is cued up

Holyfield can come to Norway now!  

Among the many odd things that I've uncovered here in Norway, this may be the most peculiar.  As I previously mentioned, the world's reigning, female welterweight champion is Norwegian despite the fact that there has been a professional ban on boxing for over a century.  Not anymore!  The new coalition has put an order in motion to strike down the ban which should appease the aforementioned, Evander Holyfield, who vowed never to step foot on Norwegian soil until the ban was revoked.  That's a stand for human rights!

Seriously... The Fox song isn't what Norwegian music is about

I never went gold off one song

Do you know what the worse thing about telling a good joke really well?  Many people are going to not realize it is, indeed, a joke.

Reading the article in the headline reminds me of this "Simpsons" episode where Homer creates a song and then goes from amused to excited to overwhelm to disgusted by it.  Which is a shame because, by all accounts, they seem to be two, goofy guys who just enjoy hanging out and making people laugh (which makes them like virtually every other guy in Generation Y).  Though, having a song that's top 10 on itunes is a good problem to have.  

If you're one of the millions that enjoyed their video, please make sure to check out their other, funnier songs.  My personal favorite is "Work it" (even if Veronica Flores would probably find it racist)

ALT FOR NORGE

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Norway, Scotland... Scotland, Norway

HAPPY 50th POST, OSLOst in SPACE!!!!!

Party time!!

Uhmm... Anyway, I apologize for my absence last week, but it was for a good reason.

I forgot.

But it's not like I forgot because I was watching an episode of "Boardwalk Empire", I forgot because I was getting ready to go to Scotland.

So yeah, I went to the northern part of the UK.  It was not an easy trip.  1 hour to Stavanger.  Switch flights.  2 hours to Aberdeen.  But it was pretty neat.

And it went like this:

We landed in the Aberdeen International Airport and, to my surprise, the Stavanger to Aberdeen flight had two people on it that were non-EU/EEA citizens.  Me and some other schmuck.  The reason I know this is that, upon entering into the airport and customs, there were two, distinct lines.  One for the EEA people and one for us "others".  

It was like landing in Dulles or JFK and smiling at all the doe-eyed, europeans as I breezed through my line to the front.

Simple problem.  I had to fill out a Landing Card.

Half the information, all the tediousness

As further testament to the irregularity that non-EU/EEA people (I'm tired of writing that, but it's an important distinction to make... If I were Albanian, I'd be in the same boat... well, no, that would probably be a much worse, and probably leaky boat because it's Albania... Jokes!  Calm down, readers in Tirana) make said flight, not a single stewardess had asked me if I needed a card nor were they readily available on the aircraft.  

No matter.  I had to fill it out (not like I had to get in the back of the line... I was the line) and then was on my way.  But not without this stamp:

Do not give him any money... But, like, we're not endorsing slavery.  You know, just don't let him preform any type of labor to be safe

UK wanted to make sure, under no circumstances, would anyone give me money.  My trip was to be a purely, one-sided fiscal relationship.  Which is strangely how I'd characterize my romantic relationships in my early to mid-20s.

So.

I'm in Aberdeen now.

Apparently, business takes of here

There's power and wealth and then there's the kind of power and wealth when you're on the money used in your own country.  Not sure what's going on with my hair here 

I'm an idiot because the funniest thing about the area where this picture was taken is that there were a dozen Scottish Flags (St. Andrew's Cross), one EU flag, and one Union Jack... They love England!

 Eventually, we left the airport.

To do so, we hired a driver that we shared with another couple also going to our destination.  As he was driving a sedan, there was only space for three in the back seat and I was left to get in the front.  As I moved to the front of the car, I noticed our driver opened the right, front door.  In my head I was thinking, What a cheeky lad (because I put on airs when I'm in Scotland, apparently), he's angling for a fat, nice tip he is.  As I attempted to get in, he stopped me and gave me a really funny look.

"Fixin' to drive, are ya, lad?"  He asked in a thick, Scottish accent (that probably goes without mentioning)

Taken aback, I looked in the car and saw that the steering wheel was, in fact, on the right hand side of the car.  Laughing, I went over and got in on the other side.  As I did so, I looked around and, it seemed, every other car was like this, too.  

Now, I realize that the UK and other British subsidiaries drive on the left-hand side of the road and their steering wheels are on the right-hand side of the car, but I just didn't really think about it until I saw it.  Also, even if you know you're going to see it.  It's still very disorienting.  I spent most of the trip in wonderment about the location of the steering wheel and the cars on the street (especially on two lane roads, when cars were whizzing by our right hand side, in the opposite direction, and in traffic circles/round-a-bouts).

I kept trying to step on the gas/break throughout the trip, too.  It really felt like I was supposed to be driving!

As for the rest of it, I was blown away by the number of rugby fields/pitches (there were a lot) and how they outnumbered soccer/football fields/pitches.  Also, I was surprised by the handful of field hockey fields/pitches and how, in the three days of our trip, we only saw boys playing it.  

The landscape was beautiful (especially the coast along the North Sea) and the countless, rolling hills and glens reminded me of Western Maryland/VA/Shenandoah Valley region of Maryland.  The big difference being that there were churches and castles that were hundreds of years older than the United States all over the place.

Sure, it was mostly windy and grey skies (I, jokingly, told a friend from England that the UK was "as green-grey blobby as I expected"), but it was fitting.  I imagine the place must've been divine in Fall when all the foliage was turning colors and the grey/gloom, with streaks of sun, would be more fitting.  

It was a touch warmer than Norway (and a whopping bit cheaper!), but that goes for most of the earth.  

I had fun (minus the 10 hours it took to get back to back to Oslo on Sunday) and would definitely consider living there.  Though, I think that has more to do with my fondness for Anglophone countries (It's such an awesome feeling when everything happening around you is in your native tongue), lower cost of living, and good whisky than any decided advantages over Norway.

But, for now I'm in Norway and I'm glad...

ALT FOR NORGE

Fine, jerks... Here's the pictures of me wearing a kilt

Tough guy picture

Playful picture

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Immigration (again): The Romani Problem

All immigrants are not created equal.

This is a pretty simple and important lesson to learn when moving to another country.

My American and UK friends are well versed and, as I approach the two year mark in my attempts at moving to Norway, I can say I have a better understanding of that truth in Norway.

The dirty, little secret is that not everyone will be a part of the "New Norway"

Just like in the aforementioned Anglo-phone countries, here in Norway, feelings on immigration tend to diverge with regards to members of the second/third worlds.  Unfortunately, it's a poor coincidence that this group (usually asylum seekers or just looking for a better life in economy-rich Norway) tends to be darker skinned and of a different ethnic/cultural background, linking Norwegians to the more unsavory elements of American/English culture.  

While it would be naive to think that these thoughts aren't present here in Norway, it would be accurate to say that the revolting ideology of hate groups are in the complete, extreme minority (like, .09% of the population).  However, those that share in the fear of a loss of national/ethnic identity are quite high.

I get it.

Being Norwegian is like a very select club of people who survived various periods of being invaded, invading others, emigration, and a bunch of plain, old bad luck.  I can't describe just how contemptuous Norwegians find Americans claiming kinship on the backs of forefathers (well, not all Norwegians feel this way).

Norwegians feel special and unique and that, with the pressing and invasion of globalization and various EEA agreements, they can feel those traits being warped and diluted.  With the economic downturn throughout most of Europe that Norway has survived and thrived through, that precarious feeling of self is being threatened by waves of Mediterranean jobseekers in addition to the usual groups.

One of the usual groups that incur the most wrath and judgement would be the Romani people.

Originating from the fringes of the EU allows the largely nomadic group more freedom (visa stay restrictions?  What visa stay restrictions?) than non-EEA country people (yes, this includes yours truly as well as citizens from other 1st world countries such as Canada, Australia, and New Zealand) to come to Norway.

The popular legend goes that droves of Romani come to Norway where they beg on street corners and hustle for cans (returning cans gives you significantly more than it does in select states, here is a great post about it).  They're organized by bosses that rotate and instruct them on how to look sad and needy. Meanwhile, other groups roam the countryside in large RVs looking for unattended cottages and homes to rob.

While this may be true on some level (the best part of the can collection is that every cookout in a park comes with a dutiful attendant eager to take your empty can), it can't possibly be the whole story.  

I did some research.

Norway isn't even a top ten destination for Romani (btw, America has the most with a little over one million.  Sweden with 50,000 has the largest population in Scandinavia) nor does it have the most contentious relationship (Keep it classy, Italy).  While there has been some rough areas, there largely seems to be just a "boogie man" used by society as a scapegoat for the big fear that looms over everything.  Change.

The world is changing.  There are more internationals pouring in to the major cities of the world every day.  Half of Oslo is constantly under construction creating new buildings and skyscrapers to house the ever-expanding large firms.  With prosperity and blessings come expectations and demands.  It should be noted that the Norwegian state does more than its part around the world, the average citizen can not be as selfless.  I may not be the best person to judge, but there is a disconnect between "Doing the right thing" and "Making sure there is a plan in place to maintain quality of life".  Which may be the reason the current majority party may lose next month's elections (among other reasons).  People want to feel guaranteed of the future despite the known logic that such a promise is impossible.

While I'm not advocating that the Romani are blameless (I've seen the vans drop off disheveled women.  I've seen the older men lecturing young girls on how to look more pathetic) and/or innocent (Dude, how you gonna be on your cell phone when you're begging for money?), the distrust of certain foreigners plays a role here.  As does the inability to formulate the place for old ideals and beliefs in a modernizing world.  It's not that the ways of the past have failed us or were wrong, they just apply to a life that may be impossible to live anymore (which may contribute to Norwegians obsession with nature).  

Or I could be completely wrong and Norway just needs to invest in more policemen and border control.

ALT FOR NORGE

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Catching Up and the path to Norwegian-ness

Wow... It's been 26 days since I last checked in (really, like 1.5 months since a real post).

It's been a summer.

As I'd previously noted, it was "Adult Summer Break" here in Norway which means that, for the majority of July, most Norwegians have either reduced working hours or off altogether (often a combination of the two).

I detailed most of my exploits in the last post and have been back to "life" for a few weeks ago.

So "Why no posts?" you may ask.  Well, it's hard to say because there's not really much I care to say.

If you do a quick google of "expat blogs", what you'll find is a plethora of personal diatribes that are, frankly, boring.  While a lot of my posts probably shade to that realm, I try to at least put together universal experiences that are either entertaining (beer festivals with the awesome Dutch!) or are written to appear as so (haircuts!).

So yeah, I'm not writing unless I have something I wish to share or someone asks me a question ("Hey, bro.  Is Norway a communist country?"  False.) 

My new favorite dessert!

I am now a resident (temporary) of Norway.

For those of you who are reading this and notice that this blog is almost two years old will probably be perplexed by that statement.  

Let me back-up.

I originally came to Norway on a Job Seekers exemption.  Which, as far as I can tell, is fancy language to explicitly mark the difference between non-EU/EEA countries.  People from developed, western nations, ok;  Everyone else, follow the "Apply-for-a-visa-wait-for-the-visa-come-here-for-three-months-return-home-poorer" process.

After my six months were up and I was unemployed, I returned to the Good, Ol' US of A.  No worries there (Unless you attended my "Going Away Party", then it was just awkward).  After another six months of bouncing around (the specifics aren't really important), I finally did the whole "Shucks, why don't we get married, I guess" romanticism with the girlfriend.

She said "meh... ok"

Artist rendering of her response to my proposal

And what followed was a eight month game of "send-us-the-paperwork-will-check-it-approval-it-change-our-mind-require-you-to-get-more-paperwork-tentatively-approve-it-make-you-go-to-a-dozen-different-offices-for-signing-off-and-stamping-not-to-mention-those-offices-are-poorly-run-and-smell-like-what-I-imagine-Asmara-and-Islamabad-smell-like" with a lot of old school waiting in-between.

The one bonus was that I was able to wait out the response here in Norway as opposed to America (though, its not like that was a huge bonus as I wasn't really eligible/allowed to work in Norway).

However, in the end, here we are.  I have a handy dandy card and, in a couple weeks, I'll be wearing a ring for the rest of my life or something like that.

Oh, and I found more Americans here and I still haven't caught a fish in Oslo yet.

The Fjord is barren.

Alt for Norge

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Ritz Crackers... 'cause it's cold, son!

I wonder if my home owner's insurance covers against snow damage...

It snows in Norway.  A lot.

But I didn't write this entry to waste your time with information you already knew.

It's just... you don't realize how much "a lot" is until you're staring out a window on Saint Patrick's Day and there's 10 inches of the white stuff (fresh from a weekend onslaught) wishing you a "top o' the morning!"

But it's not just the snow, its cold, too.  How cold is it?  I've rarely worn a hat and gloves during the winter time for most of my life (I have a mother worn thin from 20+ winters of worry who can attest to this fact), but I almost refuse to step outside here unless my hat and gloves are on (in fact, I have several back-ups just in case I'm in a rush and can't find the primary).

As I'm writing this, its snowing!  To be clear, I'm not complaining, but "it takes some getting use to" is a vast understatement.

So.  What does that do to one's psyche?

It can cause depression (Which isn't just for us foreigners, its the reason why Norwegians take fish oil... Vitamin D is the cure!).

Though, more likely, it can cause what I call "want reallocation".  For example, the other day, I really wanted some mango sorbet (odd, right?).  Instead of venturing the eight blocks to the store that may have it (I'd say 50-50 shot), I went the block and a half to the store that really had no shot of having it and settled for Ritz crackers and Strawberry jam.

That's just what happens when cold is factored in the equation.  

Another example: We live within a three block radius of four, awful pizza places (I can't underscore how dreadful pizza can be here here) and about a twenty minute bus ride from an outstanding pizza place.  I will give you zero guesses on how many times we've gone to the good place since winter has taken hold because the answer is zero.

Norwegians will scoff at you and tell you its not cold, but they're lying.  They wear big coats and complain about the weather (I'm pretty sure "weather" is the #1 casual conversation topic).  I actually base my clothing decisions on how Norwegians dress.  Before going out, I'll watch people walking outside from the window.  If people have jackets unzipped, I just wear a hat and coat;  If they have jackets zipped and scarves, I wear hat and gloves; If I see women wearing hats and men walking briskly, I stay inside (because women NEVER wear hats here and no one EVER, EVER walks briskly... if I see that it must mean some "Day After Tomorrow"-ness is going down.  That's how people get bronchitis... No thank you).

Unfortunately, I don't have a choice as I'm now all out of Ritz crackers.

ALT FOR NORGE

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So, yeah... Fall

Not sure if my last post conveyed it or not, but fall is upon us.  Which, in Norway, is harder to notice.  True, the air has that crisp smell to it and the trees are turning colors (I swear, it feels like the leaves change earlier here... but it's probably just a misrememberance born out of the disassociation of being in a new place at a new time of year for the first time) and the berries in the markets are being replaced with apples...

Yet still... It doesn't feel all that different than spring (Not like the trappings of the States).

The sun (when it I see it... it still does that "rain 4 days a week" thing) is doing this weird thing where it's not quite up and it never quite sets.  Sunrise just feels like a prolonged glare from around six a.m. for the next few hours.  The sunset isn't much different.  It's a little after six now and I've been staring at dusk for an hour and I know it won't really be dark for another couple of hours.  Norway, everyone, where the sun never can say goodbye.

Though, one noticeable element of Fall is the cuisine.  Fall means it is officially lamb season.  Which means Faarikaal (Lamb with cabbage), Smalahove (Sheep's head... and Americans think chitlins are gross!), and, my favorite, Pinnekjøtt (simply saying its "smoked salted lamb or mutton" doesn't do it justice).  I haven't had the first two, but I'm making plans for the first and the second... well, I'm making plans for the first.  Also, I have a date with reindeer pizza... That's right, Rudolph comes with cheese and sauce now (in fact, it's a fairly common thing that I feel cheated on having not tried here... same as whale, but that's another post for another day).

Anyway, it is really fall here in Norway now (50 degree temperatures for everyone!).  If the shortening days and colorful trees didn't alert me, the ever-present smell of burning lamb fat has conveyed such.

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Alt for Norge (before we eat them... før spiser vi dem)

tilbakken

So yeah... you're probably like "wait... didn't there use to be awesome blog entries on this page like twice a month?" (well, a boy can dream...).  You're right.  I took a break.  Like from Norway.  I was in exile in America (details aren't really all that interesting or uncommon), but now I'm back.

Were they happy to see me?

You could say so...

In any case, I thought I'd shape my first return entry with what I did in America.  However, I figured that would be antithetical of what this blog should be about (really, it wasn't that much fun), I started writing this to detail about how I found the moods of Norway.  So, I returned earlier this week and, like the two times before, I immediately became sick.

Not like, sick sick, but sick enough that my stomach felt like Prince Harry was throwing a party inside it.  Before, I had chalked it up to excitement (my first time!!) or stopping over in Iceland, but this time there was no direct cause (of course I was excited, stay with me here).  I decided to start looking in to a red thread... a similarity between each of the trips.  Finally, after ruling out the insane (global conspiracy to force me to stay in America where I will become a manchurian candidate and bring about world war 3) and the plausible (air pollution withdrawal), I figured it either came down to my girlfriend making me sick (I'm allergic to adorableness!) or the one thing I'd had each time. Water.  That's right, in an ironic twist, the most essential thing I needed was making me sick.

A short search confirmed my fears.  Over 22 percent of the water pipes were made between 1941 and 1970s?!?  Imagine how far technology has come sense then!  Would you trust your life to a car made between 1941 and 1970s everyday on your commute to and from work?  This is awful!!  I'm going to need a Brita and to boil the water I bathe myself in.  Or maybe a britta filter to tape to the shower head.

What's this?  A detailed study and it says that the "22% water pipe" thing refers to an estimate done in 2010, and, of those pipes, the majority are secondary piping in rural regions and, subsequently, there have been over 10,000 projects a year to fix the problem.

Oh.

Maybe I am allergic to adorableness after all.

Alt for Norge

Seriously, Where are you Spring?

Thank you, bushes for ignoring the "spring is cancelled this year" memo

As I haven't seen the sun in about a week (give or take, its hard to keep track of the days here as the sky is like a perpetual gray and its cold.  So, yes, Oslo does resemble "The Road" slightly), OSLOst in space may seem a little gloomy this week.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up with the 20+ degree weather of March, but, seriously, its almost May (On a side note:  Labor Day here (May Day) is supposed to be cray... we shall see), stop playin', Oslo.  Make with the Spring.

As always, it could be worse.

Last year, it snowed the first week of May.

While that isn't likely (though, This is Norway!, anything poor weather related is possible), the situation isn't completely ruined.  First, there are a serious of pretty, yellow bushes that are springing up virtually all over the city.  Which, is awesome... It at least looks spring-like.  Additionally, there are these funky, little birds that keep popping up everywhere.  They seem like they're ready to get down with the chirping and looking all tough.  While they're no Blue Jay or Oriole, they're definitely way better looking than crows (we don't need a picture of a crow... just think of an ugly bird).  Yes, I just wasted 80 minutes of my life trying to figure out the bird's name.  It's a European Magpie.  Not necessarily the most glamorous of names (but, it does explain why Newcastle is called the magpies... I thought that was just British slang for cake eater.  Yes, I spent another 20 minutes looking up "Mighty Ducks" related stories.  Don't judge).

I don't eat cake!  The Knucklepuck was overrated and the most improbable thing outside of Kennan Thompson passing as an athlete... jus' sayin'

Anyway, the European Magpie, in addition to being a rather common bird, is one of the most intelligent animals.  It's intellect rivals chimpanzees and Boston sports team fans... So, it's reappearance here totally suggests that Spring must be coming soon.  This fowl ain't no fool... it wouldn't stray this far north unless it had figured out that Spring was coming and it was time to pick out the best nesting/pimp pad spots.

Our little hope seizes upon little things...

Another positive is that the sun is staying up later... Well, I assume its staying up later.  The sky is staying light gray longer in the day (8:30!) than it had previous to daylight savings (oh, did you know that Europe and North America have different daylight savings dates?  Me neither!  It seems that there was a fortnight in March where five hours separated the East Coast and Oslo.  It is one of the most inexplicable, odd things that I've come across... which is really saying something.)

Though, the uplifting seems to keep coming.  Over forty thousand people gathered in the Youngstorget Square to sing the Norwegian version of "We are the World" (The song is called "Children of the Rainbow", click on the title for the lyrics.  Then copy and paste in translate.google.com!) as an offering that the nation is more than just the hateful acts and ideas of July 22, 2011.

Despite all of my jokes and irreverence and sheep videos, this truly encapsulates the identity of Norway.  So, I will leave that as my last note for this post.

Alt for Norge

Westward, young man... westward

From sea to shin... I mean, Alt for NORGE!!

Well, I survived the mountains and football (read about that experience on my other blog.) and I'm here to tell the tales.

Easter was swell...

Things I've learned about the west coast of Norway:

• It is perpetually cold... even when the sun is shining and the skies are clear (not mutually inclusive items, mind you), it still feels pretty frigid.  The North Sea is unkind, my friend... Though, I hear Vancouver is the same way.
• Before the oil, there were a ton of smith-working there.  In fact, the copper used in the statue of liberty came from mines in this region.
• Winter tires are no joke.  They're heavy and are necessary... 

Blinding snow is no match for winterized tires!

It was great to eat some of the traditional, Norwegian Easter food (Lamb!) and see some of the nice statues along the beautiful harbors here.

I'm trying to help him lift the fish... I know, it looks weird

And, here are some of the other pictures of the beautiful, Norwegian landscape from the 7-hour cross country driving extravaganza!

Over the mountains and through the tundra...

My favorite picture of the whole trip... You can literally see where the tree line ends and where Winter is winning the war with Spring

Lonely cabin... I'm going to wager that there isn't indoor plumbing there

The car's thermometer read -2 C... which is "quite cold" in Fahrenheit.   Check out the frozen, natural spring to the left

Up in the clouds like Darwin Deez (obscure musical reference alert!)

your humble host...

While I got the point right, I wasn't able to erase the goofy expression on my face.  Oh well...

And that's that... Otherwise, its nothing that hasn't been told before.  Awkward reunions of friends with new (or added) significant others where everyone makes small talk or plays "remember when..." or gossips.  I find these times are vital for drinking beer and practicing my understanding Norwegian skills... one of those went really well and one of those went not as well.  I'll let you guess on that one...

Alt for Norge